


holy water

by lixie420



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Awkward Romance, Bottom Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Canon Compliant, Friends to Lovers, Idols, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Making Out, Mentions of religion, Miscommunication, Riding, They have sex though, Top Bang Chan, chan is in love with felix, felix is in love with chan, this is not properly communicated because they're both bad at feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:55:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26760955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lixie420/pseuds/lixie420
Summary: isn't it weird how one little feeling can ruin everything?everything you've built up to this point?do you want to watch yourself tear it all down?i'll bet it feels good.(in which chan is in love and cant contain it anymore)
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 37
Kudos: 435





	holy water

**Author's Note:**

> FIRST SKZ FIC PLS BE NICE I DIDNT BETA THIS!!  
> next time i do chanlix im doing bottom chan probs bc he has DSLs  
> i love them sm

**_Among my stillness was a pounding heart._ **

> **_\- Shannon L. Alder_ **

* * *

An odd reality of the human experience is the fact that a simple feeling can ruin everything. If one jenga block slips out of place, your carefully-stacked tower of blocks will come tumbling down, spilling around your knees, leaving you to slowly attempt to recreate what you had spent so long building. 

Chan's personal jenga tower was probably far taller and more complex than most people's, given his status as an idol. He had to take care not to fuck up at all times - he had gotten used to walking on eggshells, to the point where he danced across them with ease. That is, until that _feeling_ began to stab him in the chest. Mercilessly.

The soft legs draped across his lap shifted a little, causing his breath to hitch. He looked up from his phone, gently resting a hand on Felix's calf. As if on instinct, his thumb rubbed across the smooth skin affectionately, a soft sigh exiting his lips. He didn't dare meet Felix's eyes, instead focusing his gaze on the wall behind him. It probably looked a little odd, but Chan had to take preventative measures.

"Hey, you ok?" 

The familiar voice shouldn't have surprised Chan as much as it did, and he let his guard down for a second, locking eyes with Felix, who was smiling at him from the other end of the couch. He wasn't wearing makeup, save for a little eyeshadow, leaving his freckles out in the open for Chan to ogle. He cocked his head cutely, and the knife went deeper and deeper.

* * *

_"I don't know how to explain it to other people. It's like...the deepest loneliness that I think a person can feel, probably. It hurts. I know I have you, but-"_

  
_He faltered for a moment, likely noticing the way Chan's face fell, the way his shoulders sank under the weight of that implication - that he hadn't been enough. He couldn't help but be hard on himself when he felt so responsible._

  
_"Hey, hey- don't look so sad! If I didn't have you, I probably wouldn't even be here. But I can't just have one person...you can't just have one person either, you know. And we can't even...express...you and I, we can't even get that close, can we?"_

  
_It took Chan aback. He looked into Felix's eyes with curiosity, heart racing. His pink lips were drawn up into a sad smile, eyebrows furrowed upward. Chan studied the expression, went over the words in his head a million times, but he couldn't make sense of it. He knew what he wanted Felix to have meant, but he wasn't about to assume anything, lest he ruin the whole fucking thing._

  
_"What do you mean?"_

  
_Chan leaned closer as he said it, lowering his voice to show Felix that he meant business. He wasn't about to let this topic go. If he could, he'd wrap Felix up in his arms forever, but he knew that might be selfish._

  
_Felix bit his lip worriedly, flushing a flattering shade of pink that made Chan's eyes widen._

  
_"I shouldn't even say it."_

* * *

Chan rested his palm flat on Felix's knee, trapped in his eyes. Although they were similar in a lot of ways, hence why they got on so well, there was an air of mystery surrounding Felix that had never quite gone away. No matter how many late night talks they had, no matter how much time they spent together, no matter how much Chan had watched Felix grow up - there was something in his eyes that had remained unreadable.

"I'm okay." Chan replied plainly, to which Felix rolled his eyes, drawing his knees up to his chest. The loss of physical contact was a little disheartening, but Felix quickly quelled Chan's worries by scooting up next to him, plopping his head on Chan's shoulder like it belonged there. It certainly felt like it did.

"No, really. Something's up, right?" Felix queried. Chan wrapped an arm around Felix, pulling him closer. He couldn't help it.

* * *

_"I swear to God, that wasn't what it looked like! You're pulling this out of nowhere!"_

  
_Chan's heart was racing. Felix hung his head in shame, lingering behind. Though he'd remained silent throughout the entire exchange, Chan knew that he was crying. Felix always cried when he was being lectured like this._

  
_"It's unprofessional. There are cameras everywhere. There are staff everywhere. Your members could've seen! You're lucky it was just me, and that I'm letting you off with a firm warning."_

  
_The manager had narrowed eyes and crossed arms, clearly not budging on his stance. He'd seen what he'd seen, believed what he believed, and that was that. Chan huffed a sigh, shutting his eyes. Of all the things to get chewed out for, being affectionate towards Felix was certainly a pretty embarrassing one._

  
_"Okay. Understood. But I want to make it clear, I love him like a brother, sometimes we just- for comfort-"_

  
_"Save it."_

* * *

Chan had built his whole career from the ground up - a self-producing group was a foolproof escape plan from the company once things started to go south. He was rising, rising to the top so fast that he could hardly believe it. It was a precarious position to be in, and the fact that his heart was telling him to risk all that just for a chance to be with Felix -

_How simple my heart can be_

_frightens me._

"I guess you could say that." Chan admitted, gripping Felix's shoulder as he tensed up with nerves. If he was really going to do this, if he was going to take this leap, he couldn't take it back. If things came crumbling down around him, he'd only have himself to blame and there'd be no way to undo it.

But his heart was screaming, so loud that it drowned out everything else - he reached over and tilted Felix's face up so that their eyes met. He tried to convey the feeling with the gaze alone, for fear of saying it out loud. Saying it out loud made it real. If he kept it all under the radar, communicated through implication - that was safer. He didn't know if he was ready to own up to everything just yet.

* * *

_Chan was alone in the room, laying flat on his back. He tossed and turned in the darkness, unable to sleep. Usually, the feeling of others being present put him at ease, but since everyone was out, he was utterly alone with his thoughts._

  
_He shut his eyes, willing something nice to appear. Something to calm him down -_

  
_Felix manifested before him, pretty as ever. Blonde extensions tickling the tops of his shoulders, bangs falling in his face as he laughed. Rhinestones under his eyes - Chan always loved when Felix wore those, the way light danced all over them, sparkles that seemed to trickle into his irises._

  
_He knelt in front of Chan, a mischievous grin playing on his plump lips. Chan's breath caught in his chest. The Felix his mind had conjured up was far more bold than the Felix that Chan was accustomed to interacting with on a day-to-day basis - he rested his two tiny hands on Chan's inner thighs, parting them._

  
_"What are you-"_

  
_Felix lifted a finger to his lips, batting his eyelashes cutely. Chan was hard, he was so hard - the fantasy was vivid enough to force him to shove a hand down his boxers, desperately stroking himself to the thought._

  
_Felix licked his lips as he undid Chan's belt, his zipper - he gasped at the sight of the erection in front of him, mouth parted in an appealing little 'o'. Chan reached down and ran a hand through his soft blond locks, subtly urging him closer._

  
_"So big-" Felix sighed, before flicking his pink tongue out and running up the length of Chan's cock. "I've wanted this for so long-" He panted, one hand wrapping around the thick base and pumping up and down to the rhythm that Chan had established in real life._

  
_"Go ahead, then-" Chan said breathlessly, admiring the lewdness of the image he'd conjured up - Felix's pretty, innocent face pressed up against his cock, tongue lapping at the head desperately. Kissing at it like he was born to do it._

  
_Slowly, Felix took the tip into his mouth, hollowing his cheeks as he sank deeper and deeper. He was a natural - despite Chan's size, he managed to take almost the whole thing. Bobbing his head up and down, he locked eyes with Chan. The hunger in those eyes - Chan would kill to see an expression that slutty on his sweet Felix's face._

  
_He came far too fast._

* * *

"Stop looking at me like that-" Felix smiled, starting to flush a little. The way he batted his lashes at Chan reminded him of that fantasy, and an odd spear made up of guilt, lust, and overwhelming affection went straight through his ribcage, piercing his heart. The feelings burst out all at once, like stepping on a ripe tomato -

"Like what?" Chan grinned, stroking Felix's cheek. He was lovely, so lovely, and Chan didn't know what he'd do without him. He didn't want to go a moment longer knowing that he couldn't have him. 

"I...don't know-" Felix giggled, resting a hand on Chan's chest, absentmindedly playing with the strings of his hoodie. The way a lover would. It was so close, they were so close, but so far away. It had been years of almosts and Chan wasn't the sort of person who liked things vague. "It's making me nervous, whatever it is-"

"I think you know." Chan said softly. Felix raised his eyebrows for a moment, before returning to a neutral expression, seemingly attempting to conceal something. Not that Chan would've been able to read him anyways. The feelings that passed through Felix's eyes were in another language, one Chan may never learn to speak.

* * *

_"I mean, I'm not a full virgin, but like, give me time - besides, I'm not the sorta person who likes to sleep around, that's more of a Minho thing." Jisung rolled his eyes, arms crossed across his chest defensively as he leaned back in his chair. How the topic had drifted to this, Chan didn't know - he was equal parts amused and uncomfortable._

  
_"Don't shame people for getting laid more than you, it's tacky." Minho said plainly, admiring his nails as though they were more interesting than the other people in the room (and they probably were.) Jisung made an offended noise, reaching forward to swat at Minho, who easily evaded the attack._

  
_"Anyways! I can't be the only virgin here, right?" Jisung asked the room, not really capturing the attention of many. Felix, however, perked up. He raised his hand slightly with his usual polite smile. "See- Felix is a virgin too! So like, I'm not pathetic!"_

  
_"I didn't say you were pathetic, I said having no sexual experience at your age is a little worrying." Minho replied, scrolling through his phone. "And before you say that thing about making out counting as losing half your virginity, just think about whether or not that makes sense at all."_

  
_Jisung frowned, giving up. He turned to Felix, grinning. "At least I have a fellow virgin here with me, right? Why are you a virgin, bro?" Felix wilted at the question, looking away awkwardly. Chan wanted to giggle - whenever these topics came up, watching Felix stumble through the conversation was always entertaining._

  
_"I mean...I just...would only do something like that with someone I love. Even kissing, the...romantic aspect of it is important to me." Felix stated, taking his time to find the right Korean words to express exactly what he wanted to convey. It was a little more eloquent than usual, and Felix looked dead serious._

  
_"Lixie, you've never kissed anyone before?" Chan asked. He couldn't help himself._

  
_"No, I haven't, actually-"_

* * *

Felix audibly gulped, the look in his eyes changing perceptibly, but Chan was still lost entirely. His gaze trailed down to Felix's lips, which were parted ever so slightly, glossy and inviting. Chan ran a thumb over them, and when Felix melted into the touch, he knew that there was no holding back anymore.

He closed the distance between them tentatively, giving Felix plenty of time to back away, to tell Chan not to do this - it was a line that, once crossed, would change everything. Felix didn't move away. He shut his eyes gently in anticipation, hands sliding up to rest on Chan's shoulders.

But once Chan tasted him, there was no going back. So soft - he was so soft and warm and sweet, a source of comfort that Chan had been clinging to for so long, and now he was consumed by that comfort entirely. He slid his arms around Felix's waist, pulling him close. Felix's tongue danced lightly against his own, always delicate in the way Felix was about everything.

Felix pulled away too soon, eyes dark and round, lips pink and wet from kissing. His soft breaths were barely audible, and when he swung a leg over Chan's lap, straddling him, it was in one fluid motion. The elegance with which he moved was almost bewildering to Chan - it made him unsure how to treat Felix. He rested his hands on those small hips, touch gentle as though he were made of china.

Just as Felix was about to go in for another kiss, Chan stopped him. He needed a moment to take it all in. And more importantly, he needed to confirm that this was real, that this was actually happening and not just another one of his fantasies. Felix practically stared into his soul, an intense look in his innocent eyes that Chan hadn't seen before.

"You're so beautiful-" was all that Chan could manage, running a hand up Felix's side, admiring how small he felt. Felix giggled, the intensity seeming to leave him for a moment - he faltered, returning to his previously bashful state. Chan was in awe of him and he was pretty sure it was obvious.

"Hey...what are we doing?" Felix asked, cocking his head sadly, though a smile remained on his face. It was certainly a loaded question, but Chan also felt as though the answer was fairly obvious. "You know how I feel about...this sort of thing," he continued. "I can't just do this with you once-"

Felix's tone was so breathless, his eyes were so full of feeling - and Chan didn't know if he'd been doing it on purpose or not, but all the little shifts and rolls of his hips were getting to be too much. He already looked fucked out, and nothing had even happened - Chan tried to shake the dirty thoughts out of his mind, but they'd already taken up residence there.

"I don't want it just once-" Chan said, still unsure of what 'it' was, what Felix was exactly referring to, but he got the picture, and he was far too worked up to hold back any of the things he'd been thinking anymore. "I want you- I don't care what happens. We'll deal with it later- but I want you-"

Felix's fists balled up in Chan's shirt harder with every word, and his thighs tensed around Chan's larger ones. He nodded softly as if he understood. Chan was lost, he was treading water, but only barely, hands gripping Felix's hips as he tried to will his erection away. "Okay-" Felix whispered softly, voice a little higher than Chan was used to hearing it. "Take me, then-" He sighed, rolling his hips down in a slow, deliberate circle that forced a groan out of Chan.

Despite the lack of buildup, there wasn't another way to interpret that. And it was fitting - this had to be rushed. This was their secret garden, that they'd spent so much time cultivating, so much time caring for - but now that it was ready, they couldn't linger long, lest others find it. That would ruin the whole meaning. The whole purpose.

"God, Lixie-" Chan groaned, nails digging into Felix's hips through his shorts as he bucked up against his ass. Slowly, those feelings of love that he'd wanted to convey were fogged over by lust. Chan attempted to bat away the thick red clouds, but he could no longer find his way. All he could do now was fall into Felix, deeply, and try his best to tell him through actions rather than words.

"Thought about this for so long-" Felix panted, resting his forehead against Chan's shoulder as he sped up his movements, rutting against Chan's erection needily. "Please-" He begged, and Chan wished Felix's little fingers would leave indents in his skin forever, proof that he was real, that this happened, that Chan was his. "Please, I want it-"

"So needy, hm?" Chan chuckled, a surge of confidence rushing through him, just enough confidence to slide his hands around to Felix's ass, groping hungrily at the firm flesh. Felix moaned at that, a soft sound that Chan had heard in his dreams for years. It sounded _right._

* * *

_"Of course, that sort of thing is fine, but you can't tell anyone about it. At least not until later. It's different here." Minho said simply, ruffling Felix's hair. Chan hadn't heard the first part of the conversation, but Felix looked visibly upset by something, so he immediately rushed to his side._

  
_"Hey, sunshine- what's up? Something happened?" Chan asked worriedly, kneeling in front of Felix and resting a palm on his knee._

  
_"I just...you know already, I think. I just...I think one of the staff overheard me talking about...you know, the sort of people I'm...attracted to, I guess. I'm kind of freaking out about it-"_

  
_Chan chuckled, rubbing his thumb over the fabric of Felix's jeans, a small gesture of comfort. Felix had always been fairly open about his preferences, and Chan didn't see a thing wrong with that - however, being in this business meant that Felix wasn't allowed to be himself in a lot of ways._

  
_He knew this, but Chan was certain it had to be painful on some level. To want what you can't have. To hide a key part of yourself. Chan knew that feeling a little too well, and though he wanted to embrace Felix, to comfort him, he knew that given their situation, he couldn't in good faith tell him that everything would work out in the end._

  
_"They can't do a thing about that, don't worry. Even if they told someone else, it would just be considered gossip. Lix, you worry too much-"_

  
_Chan worried too much._

* * *

"You've thought about this before?" Chan asked, hands occupied with Felix's ass and thighs, exploring all the places he'd longed to touch for so long. The image of Felix having been just as desperate for this as Chan was - that was something a little too intense to handle. 

"Yeah-" Felix panted, hips still moving with urgency. "For a long time- I just- I-" He stammered, lifting his head to meet Chan's gaze. Chan had never seen Felix look like that before - cheeks flushed, lips glossy and parted, eyes glazed and hungry. He couldn't help the little growl that rumbled up his throat, couldn't help but dig his nails into Felix's soft thighs. 

"You what?" Chan asked. He was barely able to string words together, but his thin mask of composure was still up, whereas Felix had willingly discarded his. This sense of control was Chan's only comfort, a life raft that he clung to as the waves tossed him up and down until he was so, deeply, madly seasick.

"I want you-" Felix sighed. "I can't stop- thinking about how it would feel-" He managed, soft moans interrupting his sentence. 

"Fuck-" Chan gasped. "If you don't stop- I'm not gonna be able to hold back, baby-" The word felt natural rolling off his tongue, and Felix seemed to gladly accept the new label - even through the haze of lust, Chan recognized that that fact almost broke him. Felix whined, eyes teary with arousal.

"I don't want you to hold back-" Felix begged. "Anything you want- you can do anything you want...to me-" His voice was weak, and Chan noticed that he was trembling. He slid his hands up Felix's sides, under his shirt, marveling at how soft and warm his skin was. Anything he wanted. He could do _anything he wanted._

"Clothes off." Chan managed, the words coming out a little more bluntly than he'd intended them to. He never expected to get this far, after all. This was all uncharted territory. Of course, he had his thousands of fantasy scenarios to go off of, but fantasy was different - reality was overwhelming. 

Felix climbed off of Chan's lap shakily, but elegant as ever. Chan was entranced, watching as he slowly stood, bringing his dainty hands down to the hem of his shirt, glancing over at Chan as he grabbed it, slowly dragging the fabric up, exposing more and more soft, unblemished skin. 

Chan couldn't move if he wanted to. Couldn't look away. Couldn't pick his jaw up off the floor. Felix raised his arms over his head, discarding his shirt. He straightened his posture, turning slightly and looking over his shoulder at Chan, a coy smile flashing across his face before he slowly bent forward, thumbs looped under the waistband of his shorts.

Chan watched as Felix did away with his shorts and boxers in one fell swoop, the fabric pooling around his ankles, leaving him completely exposed and vulnerable. Chan raked his eyes over his thighs, his ass, his waist - and then suddenly Felix was on him again, arms around his neck, kissing him deeply.

* * *

_"Do you ever feel unwanted?" Chan asked, voice as steady as he could get it, though he noticed a few wavers here and there. It couldn't be helped, he wasn't the best actor. Never had been._

  
_"I think everyone does. But doesn't that make you feel a bit better? Everyone wants to be wanted, so we all worry about that sort of thing. You're plenty wanted, and I think you must know that somewhere inside you, right?" Felix rambled, his train of thought a little distracted as always, but surprisingly poignant._

_Chan smiled._

  
_"And I want you! You know how sad I'd be if you didn't exist? At least for me, you have to stick around, yeah?" Felix grinned, slinging an arm around Chan. It was exactly what he needed. How was it that Felix was able to tell what he needed to hear? Chan hadn't figured that one out yet, but he wasn't complaining._

  
_He wasn't complaining at all._

  
_That night, when Felix was asleep, Chan went through his bible. He didn't see Felix read it often of course, but to his surprise, there were a couple of dog-eared pages, and some of the text had been highlighted._

  
_Chan flipped to the page with the thickest dog-ear. Felix had folded three pages over to mark this place, and yet only one quote was highlighted_ _:_

> **_"I loved you at your darkest._ **   
>  **_Romans 5:8"_ **

* * *

Chan kissed him back with as much intensity as he could muster. He was trying hard to tell Felix exactly how he felt about him, but given how aroused he was, he wasn't exactly thinking straight. His hands reached around, grabbing greedily at Felix's ass, parting the cheeks and allowing a single finger to circle his most vulnerable place.

Felix sucked in a breath, breaking the kiss for a moment. He looked at Chan with lidded eyes, palms flat against his chest for balance. His lips looked so inviting - Chan couldn't help but bring a finger up and press it against them, pushing gently as if to ask for access. Felix understood, eagerly taking it in his mouth, tongue swirling around it and lips making lewd, wet noises.

"Fuck, look at you-" Chan sighed, adding another finger and slowly thrusting them in and out of Felix's mouth. Felix whined, rolling his hips down as if to hurry Chan along. Though Chan desperately wanted to take his time, he knew that this was dangerous as it is. Reluctantly, he removed the fingers from Felix's mouth and immediately brought them down to his entrance, slowly urging the tip of the first one inside.

"Have you ever fingered yourself before, Lixie?" Chan asked, chest tight with nervousness but demeanor still relatively smooth. Felix nodded softly, and Chan couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever thought of him. The fact that he probably had was driving Chan nuts - he bit his lip, forcing the first finger in up until the second knuckle.

Felix moaned loudly at that, a surprised, staccato sound that Chan found adorable. He shifted his hips down onto the finger, taking all of it inside of him. "I- I don't do it often- but I can take it-" He smiled, a cute false confidence that had Chan wanting to hurry up and fuck the shit out of him already. "But you- feel big-" Felix cooed, reaching down to palm at Chan's erection.

"Fuck, you're tight- gonna feel so good-" Chan groaned, sliding the second finger inside and stretching Felix out to the best of his abilities, given the position. Felix felt smooth and clean and warm and Chan could barely take the thought of getting to make him his own. He was fucking himself down onto Chan's fingers without thinking, soft sounds of pleasure escaping his lips and tempting Chan.

Unable to hold back anymore, Chan removed his fingers and lifted Felix a bit - he got the message and balanced himself on his knees over Chan, giving him enough space to yank his pants and boxers down to his knees, freeing his cock. Chan didn't think he'd ever been harder in his whole life, to the point where he was dizzy from a lack of blood to his head.

The look on Felix's face was cute, his innocent eyes wide as they took in the sight of Chan's cock. "Fuck-" He sighed, reaching down to stroke it experimentally. Chan let out an undignified sound, body snapping upward to meet the rhythm of Felix's strokes. "Feels good-? Fuck, you're so big- gonna wreck me-" Chan couldn't take hearing that from his sweet sunshine, he just couldn't -

He grabbed Felix by the hips, positioning him over his cock. Felix was tense, looking equal parts apprehensive and desperate as fuck. His blond hair was messy, falling in his face, and his eyes were bursting with a need to be close to Chan. That much was obvious, and for the first time, Chan felt that he was able to get a read on Felix.

"You ready for your first time?" Chan smirked, giving Felix's ass a playful slap. He'd intended to lighten the mood, but the way Felix reacted, moaning softly and nodding in desperation as he slowly positioned the tip against his entrance, only served to make the air heavier. Chan dug his fingers into his hips, lowering Felix down.

Felix slowly leaned back as he took it, mouth hanging open as he sank all the way down, until Chan bottomed out. He was trembling all over, back arched and eyes wrenched shut in a combination of pain and pleasure. It was the most tempting thing Chan had ever seen - all he wanted was to let loose, but he knew he had to be as gentle as he could muster.

Felix was tight around him, unbelievably so. Chan had never felt anything quite like it - the warmth that flowed through him wasn't just physical, but emotional too - being connected to Felix like this was filling a void in his heart that he hadn't even been aware of. "Baby, you're doing so well- look at you, taking me so well, so perfect-" Chan praised him, rubbing comforting circles onto his lower back.

"Fuck- you're so deep-" Felix said shakily, voice hushed. He looked right into Chan's eyes as he said it, and the intimacy of that was almost too much for Chan. "I- I can barely think- I feel like this feeling- could drive me crazy-" He stammered, slowly starting to move his hips up and down, riding Chan at a tantalizing pace.

Chan let him set the pace, enjoying the show - Felix leaned back, bracing himself on Chan's knees as he bounced himself up and down. It was slow and shallow and if Chan didn't know better he'd think Felix was teasing him - but clearly even this was almost too much for Felix, who was already coated in a thin sheen of sweat, panting and moaning like a bitch.

"Baby, stop teasing-" Chan pleaded, grabbing Felix by the waist. "Let me-" Desire had won out over logic, and Chan's plan to be gentle was slowly being forgotten. He thrust up into him, setting a brutal pace - the feeling was incomparable, Felix tensing around him in surprise as he got used. 

Felix was louder than Chan had expected, but it was a more than welcome surprise. He drank up his moans and pleas as he fucked him through it, watching his tiny body writhe in pleasure. "Fuck- fuck- so deep, please- please-!!" He babbled, hands fisting the fabric of Chan's shirt.

* * *

_"So, are you ever gonna tell him?" Changbin asked. The question caught Chan off guard - but then again, plenty of things about Changbin caught him off guard. He faltered for a moment before deciding it would be less embarrassing to be forward about it._

  
_"You know that's a bad idea." Chan said somberly. "It doesn't matter how I feel. It doesn't even matter if he feels the same way. I can't put anything we've worked towards at risk just because I..."_

  
_"You love him, don't you?"_

  
_"I mean...love is a strong word, isn't it?" Chan laughed sheepishly. He wished that Changbin wasn't so blunt, but he supposed he'd have to confront these awkward questions sooner or later._

  
_"You have strong feelings."_

  
_"Good point. Maybe I do love him."_

  
_Saying it out loud was a feeling that Chan was unprepared for. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of his chest. He was in love with Felix - he'd even avoided saying it in his head up until that point. But now that it was out in the open..._

  
_It was true._

  
_It was true, and so what?_

* * *

"You like this?" Chan grinned, aiming a particularly powerful thrust up at Felix's prostate. It seemed as though he hit his target dead-on, because Felix squealed with pleasure, clenching around him. "Fuck, you've been thinking about this- for a long time, huh? Been desperate for me?" It was unlike him to be cocky, but the confidence he was getting from Felix's reactions was dangerous.

Felix nodded, head already floppy from being fucked stupid. "Wanted it- thought about you-" He gasped. "Wanted- you inside me-" Chan couldn't handle hearing that from Felix, not at all - he pulled out for a moment, resulting in a needy whine. Before Felix had time to question him, Chan threw him onto his back, pushing his thighs up to his chest.

Felix was remarkably flexible, practically bent in half and desperate to keep getting fucked. His hungry expression wasn't too dissimilar from how Chan had pictured it in his fantasies, but it was many times more intense - Chan was trapped in his gaze as he pushed back in. The pleasure of Felix around him served as a reminder to snap out of it and keep going.

Chan grabbed the backs of Felix's thighs, pressing them flush against his chest as he pounded into him without mercy. So many things he wanted to tell Felix, so many thoughts he could never quite put into words - he tried to communicate everything, he tried to get everything out. 

Felix was a mess, desperately grabbing at Chan's back, the couch, the pillows - anything he could get his hands on. "So good- fuck, I'm close- fuck- please-!!" Felix cried, twin tears trailing down his cheeks as his body was jostled up and down the couch. Chan sped up, no longer able to think of anything other than how Felix felt, how close he was to him.

Felix tightened around him, back arching prettily off of the couch as he came across his chest with a cry of Chan's name. It was too much- it was too much-

"Fuck, Lixie-" Chan groaned, husky voice clearly indicating he was on the edge. Felix opened his teary eyes to look up at him, beautiful and broken. Chan loved him, he loved him so much that it hurt. His hips snapped forward roughly, and Felix wrapped his legs around him, drawing him close.

"Inside-" Felix panted, staring up into Chan's eyes desperately. "Please- wanna feel you-" He begged.

"Yeah? You want that-? Want me to fill you up-?" 

Chan was ashamed of his vulgarity, but Felix responded more than positively, moaning at the words and nodding, eyes shut in bliss as Chan continued to fuck him in his oversensitive state. "Fuck, baby- so gorgeous-" He panted, bracing himself and really having at it. It didn't take him long at all to reach his limit and spill himself deep inside of Felix.

Felix moaned in satisfaction, a languid, pretty sound that Chan wished he'd had the presence of mind to record for later purposes. When Chan pulled out, Felix whimpered at the loss, bringing his legs together to hide himself, trying his best to sit up. Chan was certain he looked like a mess, but Felix on the other hand looked otherworldly in his post-sex state.

He smiled at Chan, immediately cuddling up to him, clearly not thinking about his nudity nor the cum dripping down his inner thighs. "Fuck, that was so good-" Felix sighed, nuzzling up against the crook of Chan's neck. "So good- I'll do anything to get it again-" He said, a refreshing honesty in his voice.

Chan chuckled. "You don't have to do anything to get me to fuck you." He stated plainly, wrapping his arms around Felix, pulling him close. Now that the lust was lifting, Chan's pain was back, and perhaps a hundredfold. So close, so close- another almost. "I'll do it whenever you want."

"Mmm...sounds good-" Felix grinned, relaxing. "I'm glad we got that out of our systems - I think we really needed that."

“What would you do if I told you I was in love with you?”

The question hung alone in the air. For a moment, Chan wasn’t even sure he’d asked it at all. But he had, and Felix was eyeing him with curiosity. He didn’t seem put off at all, a smile breaking out on his face. “Don’t joke like that-” He frowned, though the corners of his lips were still pulled up. “Love is no joke.”

Chan agreed. Love wasn’t a joke. Chan didn’t exactly know what it was, except that it was powerful and complicated, though the base desire is simple. All he knew is that he’d gone about this in the wrong way entirely. His body was on fire with the feeling, and he kissed the top of Felix’s head, his own little way of confessing.

He walked into the ocean.

Felix was the tide.

**Author's Note:**

> LEAVE A COMMENT IF U LIKED


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